Masterfully Managing Miscommunication

"Quality questions create a quality life."
~Tony Robbins

I was recently involved in an unfortunate miscommunication.  It occurred between (not real names, of course) me, my friend Bill, Bill’s colleague Steve, and a further colleague of Steve, Dan.  Steve referred me (through Bill) to Dan.  Despite my best efforts to not convey a stronger relationship between Steve and I than was actually the case (aka no personal relationship), Dan read more into my email than I intended.  Steve became upset and let Bill and I know about his upset - and probably Dan as well.  Miscommunications happen to all of us.  The question becomes, what to do when they happen?

First and foremost, accept responsibility.  I immediately sent clarification and apology emails to all three people.  This is not to say that the misunderstanding on the part of the Dan, or the upset of the Steve was my fault.  However, I wrote the email and was therefore involved.

Secondly, don’t take more responsibility than is necessary.  I was not the cause of Steve’s upset.  Dan’s misinterpretation of my email happened in his reading of it, not in my writing of it.   You are only ever responsible for your actions and feelings.  Of course, had I written “my best friend Steve” instead of “a colleague of a friend,” it would have been a different story.

So, take appropriate responsibility, but not over responsibility.  Clarify when you can, not from a place of making anybody (yourself included) wrong, but from a desire to communicate clearly.

Now, there is another thing going on in this story that we can all learn from.  Dan misunderstood my email.  Fair enough.  I can see how that could have happened, despite my intention and best efforts to be clear.  The situation was escalated far beyond what it needed to be because Steve assumed that I was intentionally misrepresenting things.  His upset and subsequent email anger directed at me, cc’d to Bill to ensure Bill knew how wrong Steve thought I was, and whatever he might have said to Dan, was not based in reality.  I mention this not to make Steve wrong, but to point out two things:

1. Miscommunication doesn’t necessarily need to be an upsetting thing.  In this instance, Steve could have calmly clarified Dan’s interpretation of my email and that would have been that.  So, the next time you find yourself in a miscommunication, ask yourself “can this be clarified simply and calmly?”  Odds are the answer is yes and, by doing so, you will come out of the miscommunication looking much better.
   
   
2. Our upsets may not be based on reality.  When you find yourself getting upset, ask, “What am I assuming about this situation that I don’t know to be true?”  You may discover that all of your upset is based on an assumption.  You can follow up this question on assumption with, “Is this worth my peace?”  I’ll give you a hint - the answer is always “no.”  Even if you feel like you need to change something about the situation, you will be far more effective in facilitating that change from a place of peace than one of upset.  (Look for more on that idea in my upcoming post “For or Against.”
   
   

This thing called communication can be messy sometimes.  It involves your consciousness and understanding of words and phrases, the actual meaning of the words and phrases, and the other person’s consciousness and understanding of words and phrases.  These don’t always match up.  When they don’t, remaining calm, taking appropriate responsibility, and providing what clarity you can is the best fix.